Transcript: Inaugural Educator’s Conference on Behaviour Management
Presenter: Dr William Earneston

Good morning. I’m happy to see many familiar faces – I recognise almost everyone! I’m looking forward to fostering a collaborative environment to facilitate a robust discussion, empowering all educators to minimise student attention variants.

What’s that, Maryanne?

Oh, it means getting them to pay attention.

So, the question on all your minds: our tea break is at 11:15.

I’m going to kick things off with a discussion on Immersive Synergetic Philosophies, or ISPs. These are completely straightforward, and I’m sure you’ll all be delighted to hear, there are only 17 of them! With these, you can produce Deep Engagement and Reliable Retention, or DERR in your students. The first strategy’s acronym is EBOPLXSR: Engagement of Binary Opposition, Populating Latent…

Ah, so, you’ve all got jugs of water on your tables, and some of you have brought takeaway coffee, which is perfectly fine. But, if we could possibly refrain from moving to the tea tables to minimise distraction until the allocated break, I’d be much obliged.

Ahh… Well, perhaps we’ll move onto the second of the ISPs. Its acronym is QHYTFDE. I like to remember it with the poem: “Queenie, high yonder, takes Frederick down to Essex.” See? Easy.

Well, you’re welcome to make up your own mnemonic, Christine.

Where was I? Ok, so: to produce DERR…

Yes, John?

Oh, yes, ‘DERR’ does sound like something a student might say about something obvious. Very humorous observation. Ha. So, the strategy of QHYD… sorry, QHYT…

Now, I really must insist that we all wait until 11:15 to have refreshments! You’ll get hungry and cranky if you eat too early; lunch isn’t until 2pm!

What, Mrs. Carmichael? No, you can’t just eat your own snacks!

Is that a nut bar?! This is a nut-free zone! Throw that out immediately!

…And wash your hands before you come back!

Everyone back to your seats! We are going to have a brainstorming session…

Miss Greenwald, don’t make me repeat myself: put the scones down.

No, Mr. Yates, she doesn’t have to share, because none of us are having any right now; back to your seat.

MISS GREENWALD, WE DO NOT HIT OUR COLLEAGUES! You apologise to him, right now!

No, say it properly.

Alright. Now, back to your seats!

…Well, thanks to you I’ve lost my place, so we’re going right back to the start. The first ISP…

WHO THREW THAT? COME ON, ‘FESS UP! That’s not only amazingly disrespectful, but also a waste of food; now someone’s going to miss out on tuna sandwiches!

No, I don’t care that the curriculum planning day had Subway catering, you’ll get what you get, and you won’t get upset!

Now… no, stop! Put that platter down! NO! URRGGH, IT’S IN MY EYE! IT’S IN MY EYE! STO…

-End of recording-

With deepest regret, the committee announces that the conference has been indefinitely postponed.

Dr. Earneston has had to take some unexpected personal leave.

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